How do I get better once I've had the best?

I met this Dutch man in 1998. We had been together for more than 2 years but then on one Christmas he broke up with me. Yes, he found someone else who lived close to where he lived. I didn't blame on anything or anybody at that time. Being apart with your lover definitely not easy, nor for me.

It was painful, but I continued my life. A year after that I met another man and having relationship with him for five wonderful years. Unfortunately, again I have to let him go. After him, I becoming a person over selected to any relation approaching me. Too afraid to have the painful feeling.

Until one day, I fall in love to my best friend. Kind of awkward to admit it at first. But I was glad that he has the mutual feeling. Again, after several years apart, and only meeting during holiday and weekend, he proposed me. I was shocked. Not that I didn't love him, but I just not ready to get married this soon. After holding it for several times, I finally said I do.

A simple marriage was held in his country, as we expected, very simple small party. Only families were invited.

Our marriage didn't change our way of living. Basically, we live in my country, and from time to time, he will travel to Netherlands or Lebanon for his job as a Investigator and Lawyer for United Nations. His travelling hours is really high. But I know it for sure and it was not something to complain. I live with it ever since I know him.

Winter 2011. My husband bought us ticket to England. Not a very good decision to spend winter time in there, very windy and very cold. But we always made that kind of decision about travelling. Be spontaneous. The thing was, only two days after we arrived in Europe, my husband got emergency called to Lebanon. Not to ruin the rest of vacation, he left me in cold Europe and he left for Mid-East war.

Travelling solo was not a big deal for me. So I just enjoy it. Until one night, I was online on the internet and wishing people Merry Christmas, my ex Dutch man emailed me a Christmas wishes. So then we exchange our messenger id and continue the talking. We were friend, so it was cool. Knowing that I was in England, 3 hours away from his place, he wanted to meet me in person. That night we talked on the messenger service for more than 8 hours. The longest time ever in our live.

My Dutch man: married with 2 children.

The following day, my Dutch man simply showed up in my hotel lobby. I missed him so much, I must say. He did as well. Later on that day we spent walking around cold Southampton, holding hands.

Nothing was planned, or we merely has it in our longing mind, we spent the night, the day, the night, the day and again until I had to fly back to my country. We believe we still deeply in love for each other. We don't know where it is going to lead, but we had such a wonderful time. He took me to the airport and said good bye.

Here I am on the long journey plane, writing all of this stuff.

My husband is the best I could I asked for. He is my best friend, he has passion as big as I have about this wonderful world. We share many good and best experience in live. We love nature, we love tropical island, we love diving. And we event share the same birthday. Yes, unbelievable!

I had the best one with me. But I am doing this for the better one.

Mad world.

Alien in My Own Nation

Do not belong here.

I love you and I don't know why

Being with someone for more than 8 years was not easy just to let go the feeling when you then seperated. The sweet and bitter memories already formed me as a human today and become as a person you know. I thought I would never fall in love again. But the feeling is something we can't cheat. It grows there without you need to give extra attention. I met this person long time ago. Around year 2006. It was my run-away trip. Trying to escape from hectic work. We started just like a friend. But the feeling grows in a long distance. He says "Being with you simply making me relax. I just could sit for hours and do nothing beside you". A man with a very few words. But when he speaks he give encouragement. One who struggles for his life, love and respect his parents. I love you and I don't know why. Today, I say "I DO".

When someone you trust can't be trusted

Desember 2010 just passed. My friend who traveled to Belitong, told e a very interesting story about his biking trip. I told my colleage abot the trip and we decided to go togethe. We started to explore all information and invite as many bikers as possible. We will do it in different way, bikepacking and camping around the shore.

By mid January we told our Manager about the plan and propose for 3 days leave. She approved.

On February 20 there was promotional fright ticket. My friend bought the ticket. I didn't because my friend from airline told me, the will be more bigger promotional items about a month before we leave.

Two weeks before leaving, I found out all ticket on the time we required has been sold out. When I talked to my manager she suggested me to buy a day earlier ticket. And I am considering about it.

Just three days after that conversation, my manager told me to arrange a Business Unit kickoff meeting. I told her I will. But I also remind her that I will be leaving for the trip a day before the meeting, so I need somebody to set the meeting so she/he will carry this matter smoothly without me later. Surprisingly, she said, she never approved my leave request.

I was shocked, and open my mouth wide open without the sound.

A manager, a friend, someone I trusted, just betrayed me. It was my fault. I never fill in the leave request form (because it was under construction), nor I try to fill form (hardcopy) and ask her approval. I even didn't send her email ask for approval. What I have only witnesses. The Department team members. All of them know it because I and one of my colleage asked the leave during the department meeting.

My colleage insisted to leave anyway. Good for him!

I have learnt something, one you trust sometimes can't be trusted. I will be more smarter next time :)

Bali

I finally considering to move to Bali, seriously!

Even they have the money you need in your life, never sell your soul to them!

Kayanya belum pernah seumur hidup saya memikirkan negara ini se-intens sekarang. Satu bulan terakhir semakin gila saja. Banyak sekali kejadian yang berada diluar nalar yang terjadi dengan negara ini. Bukan hanya saya yang menganggap ini ganjil.

Saya sudah tidak perlu me-list down kembali disini. Semua ada di TV, online media, printed newspaper, everywhere... The things are too ridiculous to digest.

Yang saya takutkan hanyalah terjadinya kerusuhan, demonstrasi besar2an dan penggulingan kekuasaan secara paksa. Saya tidak ingin kembali kemasa rusak parah nya perekonomian Indonesia di tahun 1997-1998. Kenapa juga saya mikirnya jadi tua begini ya...

Tapi ya memang begitulah. Kalau negara ini ribut terus kapan mau maju. Sementara negara lain sibuk meng improve, kita malah masih membentuk. Ribut lagi, kacau lagi. Yang punya duit merasa bisa membeli jiwa manusia. Berkuasa sesuka jiwa.

Sementara rakya biasa, karyawan, pekerja, buruh, petani, tukang parkir, sopir, penjaga toko, pengusaha kecil tetap begini2 aja siapapun penguasanya.

So please dont sell your soul for them. Stay calm, work as usual. Jangan terpengaruh oleh provokasi mereka. Kita bertanggung jawab untuk kehidupan kita. Mereka tidak peduli.

I miss you

The last few days were even worst than before. I miss him too much. I might die because of it. What can I say. All memories coming back again and again. I feel really connected to him. Its like he tried to contact me. We communicate in our way as we always did.

Please come again, even only in my dream.

The Dash

Regrets? I have a few. Too much worrying. I worried about finding the right man and having children, being on time, being late and so on. It didn't matter. It all works out and it would have worked out without the worries and the tears.

If I would have only known then what I know now. But, I did and so do you. We're all going to die. Stop worrying and start loving and living.

It's not the date you were born, or the date you died, that really matters. It's "the dash" between those years and what you do with it, to make a difference with your life.

Berapa lama ? Berapa yakin ?

Sepuluh tahun tidak membuat seorang laki2 merasa yakin apakah ini wanita yang tepat untuk dinikahi. Sepuluh tahun ternyata masih membuat wanita butuh untuk diresmikan diatas selembar surat.

Well, itu hanya cara yang menunjukkan bahwa mereka tidak berjodoh.

Yes, I miss you !

Eventhough you left me six years ago, I still feel your love around me. You are around me in every of my heartbeat.

In sickness, sadness, and happiness, you are the only person I care of.

I had tried to let you go and I had tried to move on. I can't. After years of trying, I decided not to try anymore. Just let your love grow in me, around me, with me...

I will be right here waiting for you. Having you in my life for more than 13 years now and until the end of time. And when the time comes, I smile again :)

. . . . . . .

It would be nice if they ask me first,"Do you have any plan for tomorrow? If you don't, come with us to Bogor".

But the things are, they always say,"Tomorrow we go to Bogor (or elsewhere)". I have no choice.

Sad but true. This way I miss my koko so very much.

Words I shout today ...

Don't worry about what people have to be done.They have their boss who will control them. Start worry about what you have to be done. (...in a meeting some guys sibuk bilang gimana kalau si A ga kerjain, gimana kalo si B ga lakukan...Padahal sendirinya aja belum tentu beres kerjaannya...)

Pindahlah kerja di puncak kesuksesan anda. Kalau selalu mengeluh dengan pekerjaan lalu pindah, anda gagal. (...a guy merasa jalan pikirannya sama dengan direktur hanya karena satu kalimat yang diartikannya sepihak. "Bekerja 2 tahun disatu tempat itu terlalu lama". Ya tentu saja, kalau anda disini doing nothing :p ).

After a sarcastic words I shout to a man :)

For some people working for more than 2 years for the same company adalah membosankan, tidak berguna dan merupakan zona nyaman yang harus dihindari.

Actually, tidak ada masalah dimana saya bekerja, apakah di perusahaan yang sama, atau di perusahaan yang berbeda. What make it different is apa yang kita capai, apa yang kita hasilkan di tempat kita bekerja.

Apabila seseorang bekerja hanya datang from nine to five, open your computer, browsing non-related matter to the job, tidak bisa memenuhi target pekerjaan, menghilang di jam kerja, sering absen, tidak memberi progress pekerjaan, tidak memberikan improvement pada pekerjaan, even for 6 bulan itu sudah kelamaan.

Akan tetapi apabila seseorang bekerja lebih dari 20 tahun di sebuah perusahaan, dari hanya level rendah, merangkak naik dari tahun ke tahun, di bidang yang berbeda dan terus memberikan nilai buat perusahaan, itu jauh lebih berarti.

Lalu? Siapakah anda?

Lelah

I feel so tired. Secara fisik. Lelah yang teramat sangat.

Apa yang membuat mu bertahan?

Ketika bahtera rumah tangga mu berguncang hebat, apa yang membuat mu bertahan? Apa yang membuatmu tidak memutuskan meninggalkan bahtera tersebut?

Ada masalah ekonomi yang kerap menjadi pertahanan akhir. Banyak wanita yang memilih untuk tetap bertahan dalam kesakitan hanya karena mereka sangat tergantung secara finansial pada pasangannya. Tidak punya punya penghasilan sendiri.

Berikutnya adalah sayang anak. Kasian anak kalau harus berpisah. Bagaimana nantinya kalau mereka harus tumbuh tanpa ayah.

Inilah mengapa diperlukan pemberdayaan wanita. Dari pada punya berbagai departemen di pemerintahan, atau punya beratus2 anggota MPR/DPR, akan lebih baik jika ada satu departemen pemberdayaan wanita. Lembaga dimana mengatur, membangun, membuat melek, membuat mandiri wanita. Jaman telah berubah. Wanita bisa mandiri, bisa bertahan dan membela dirinya ketika dia menjadi korban. Wanita tidak semata2 warga negara kelas dua.

Jadi, kalau wanita bertahan dalam rumah tangga nya yg sedang berguncang adalah karena dia dan pasangannya ingin mencoba memperbaiki keretakan akibat guncangan tersebut. Kedua belah pihak ingin mengarungi lautan kembali bersama.

Jangan bertahan karena ketergantungan ekonomi dan alasan anak.

Old Friends? Forever Friends? Lalu ?

Setiap saat saya making new friends. But friends come and go. Some because of interest, some because work, dan mungkin juga karena faktor lain.

Pertemanan saya lebih banyak didapat karena kesamaan aktifitas. Setelah itu ada seleksi lagi didalamnya. Apakah itu hanya teman aktifitas atau teman juga setelah aktifitas. Karena saya mencoba banyak macam aktifitas, maka teman2 saya datang dari berbagai lingkungan.

Karena pekerjaan, seringkali hubungan pertemanan menjadi merenggang. Hanya karena jarang bertemu. Ditambah lagi urusan keluarga yang harus di tangani setelah kerja dan di weekend. Makin jaranglah kita bertemu. Lama2 teman hilang. Entah kemana.

Entah ada benang merah apa yang dibentangkan Tuhan diantara beberapa teman dengan saya. Saya bertemu lagi dengan teman lama di suatu tempat yang tidak terduga. Dan akhirnya malah berteman lebih akrab sekarang.

Sejak November 2010, sampai hari ini, terus berdatangan teman lama kembali kedalam kehidupan saya. Saya tidak mencari mereka, mereka tidak mencari saya dengan sengaja. Kami dipertemukan kembali begitu saja. Saya yakin ada daya tarik menarik benang merah yang dibentangkan Tuhan disana, yang membuat kami kembali mendekat. Apa yang akan terjadi dimasa datang, tetap masih rahasia Tuhan. Sangat menarik untuk dtunggu :)

Lembaga Perkawinan

Sering kata "kawin" dipelesetin. "Kawin" atau "Nikah"? Padahal secara legal, adanya Undang-Undang Perkawinan lho. Tidak ada UU Pernikahan.

Baru saja saya mendengar seorang public figure di wawancara di sebuah radio swasta, denga topic ulang tahun anak. Saya tidak mengenal public figure ini secara personal, hanya pernah satu trip expedisi bersama back to year 2007. Jadi saya malah inget lagi kejadian masa2 itu. Seorang wanita cantik, terkenal, pintar, berbakat, pecinta alam, menikah dan memiliki 1 anak. Saya terkagum2 dengan perempuan hebat ini.

Sekembalinya dari expedisi laut selama 10 hari itu, seorang teman saya yang juga ikut dalam expedisi, laki2, terus2an dihubungi oleh wanita ini. Dan terjadilah pembicaraan serius tentang "I wanna sleep with you" Je dang!! Hancur semua rasa kagum saya.

Dia bukan lah satu2nya wanita menikah yang bisa melakukan hal ini. Entah lah saya terperangkap dalam lingkungan transparan, yang membuat saya melihat semua kejadian dengan jelas. Semakin waktu berjalan, semakin banyak wanita dan pria yang terang2an melakukan hal itu.

Lembaga perkawinan hanya bagai sarang, sebagai wadah simbol sosial dan status di atas kertas. Main2 diluar lembaga tersebut tetap dilakukan. Saya punya prinsip sejak lama, jika tidak mampu berkomitmen, stay single. Saya tidak bangga dengan status single saya. Saya pun tidak bangga dengan ketakutan saya berkomitmen. Tapi dengan kondisi "main2" di luar lembaga perkawinan, apakah kita masih berani masuk kesana?

Finding the right one at the right time aja susah, apalagi keep the right one to stay right all the time.